I scrolled down his wall a little further to see a post about his father sending a friend request. I knew there had to be a reason for the posts. You see, in my son's 25 years, his father has only seen him about 5 times. The last time his father came around was 10 years ago. The time before that was 10 years in between as well.
I guess I should give a little back story. For those who have read my blog since the beginning, you may remember the story about me getting pregnant at 19 (almost 20), and how my dad was there for me when I said that I wanted to keep my baby and not marry the father. Well, that happened about two weeks before I was supposed to marry my son's dad. I was already so angry with him at the way he announced my pregnancy to my parents, but I wanted to keep my baby, and getting married seem like the only alternative. For those two weeks, I cried. A lot. When my dad told me it was my choice, and whatever I wanted to do was what we would do, I had never felt so relieved in my life.
After I broke it off with him, I didn't see him for my entire pregnancy. It wasn't for his lack of trying, but I couldn't tolerate the way he was handling the breakup. He was trying to cling to me with everything that he had. You might think it's sweet, and I think had I still loved him, I would have thought so, too. I just knew that there was no future for us. At least, not on my part.
The day after I gave birth, I got a call from someone. It was from a female, who I maybe met only once. She was a friend of my son's father, and he had had her call to talk to me about our child. I had thought a lot about my son's father being in his life, so I told him he could come over. He came over a couple of times, but it was clear to me that he was trying to use our son to get back together with me. I wouldn't see him again for another five years.
I was suffering from extreme vertigo for two years, so I couldn't work. I decided to go on state welfare for the medicaid so that I could see a doctor. One of the conditions of getting state assistance is that they have to go after the father for child support. I had not collected anything in those five years with the exception of the help I asked for with diapers, formula, etc., when he first saw his son. I really didn't want them to find him, but I really needed to see a doctor.
My son's father didn't know where I lived, but one day he showed up at my door. Apparently, he had been driving by and had seen me outside(we lived off of a busy street). He came to my door with the letter from the D.A.'s office. I explained to him that if I didn't need the medicaid for our son and myself, he would have never heard from me.
He sat there telling us, my mom, our son, and me about his life the last five years. Apparently, he got marrried and divorced from one person. Then he told us he was getting married, he was married, no, he was getting married, and had another kid. He flipped-flopped so many times, but in the end, he was married. I think that he thought if he told me he wasn't yet that it would make a difference to me. He also sat there and told us that he had a new baby and loved his kid. I told him that our son was his kid, too. I also told him that I was up for him to see our son anytime he wanted as long as he called first. As you can imagine, my five year old kid was pretty nervous about the whole situation.
Well, he called me immediately after he got home, and I reiterated what I had said earlier, and I meant it. I didn't hear from him again for a week or two until he showed up late one night at our house, drunk, and yelling that he wanted to speak to me. My dad told him to come back when he wasn't drunk. Ten years later, I get a letter in the mail from the Family Mediation center. His father wanted to get visitation. I, of course, went to the mediation, because I knew that: one, I could be in trouble by the court. Two, I really wanted to give him a chance again despite the other times.
We sorted it out, and his first visit was with me and our son at a Taco Bell. We figured having a casual dinner with me along would be the best since he hadn't seen our son in 10 years. This was a little bit before our son turned 16. I then let my son go over to his dad's house for a BBQ. My son's father called me not long after and told me to pick our son up, because he couldn't handle it.
I don't know what he expected. Did he expect his kid to be like him? To be like his son's who are into sports? Did he really think he was going to have any influence on our son now that he was a teen and had his own personality? Our son is the total opposite of everything that his dad is. He was more into music, books, and writing than sports. He was not the outdoorsy type. He was also far more intelligent than his dad, and I think that had a lot to do with how my son felt towards his dad. The first thing my son told me after talking with his dad that first time was that his dad's an idiot. I could give an example here, but I won't.
He called me sometime between the first meeting with our son and the second. He had told me that he told his wife that he needed to start talking with our son, because he thought about him all the time. Then he went to a place where I don't think any married man should ever go.
He told me the reason why he didn't come see our son after the first time he found me. He said that when he saw me again, he still had feelings for me. He said that he had told his wife that I was the love of his life, that we had a son that he wanted to see. What kind of man would ever tell his wife that someone else is/was the love of their life? I told him that he really shouldn't be telling me any of these things, and he definitely shouldn't have told his wife that.
My son and I didn't hear from him again until our son's 16th birthday. He called for our son, but my son had went out with his friends for the night. So he talked to me for a bit with promises to help our son out with a car, because he had told our son he would. That never came to fruition. We hadn't heard from him again after that call.
I guess in some ways that was okay with me, because the separation from my ex-husband came during this time. I was also suffering from Hashimoto's thyroiditis, but I didn't know it at the time. I wasn't, and I'm still not, the best or perfect mom, but I did what I could. My son has said on many occasions he was glad not to have his dad help raise him. Then I see the posts, and sometimes I wonder how much of an affect has it had on him.
Every father's day he likes to post up the song, "Father of Mine", by Everclear, and discuss how he has no father. I think it probably bothers him in some small way, but not as much as some might think. Yet, here we are again in that every-ten-years pattern. I don't know if his dad has communicated with him through private message, but I don't think my son's dad should hold out too much hope.
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